Joel Pett is a cartoonist whose work frequently appears in the newspaper, USA Today. This particular cartoon appeared on December 7, 2009.

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” – Robert Redford

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination..” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln

“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others..” – Samuel Johnson

We need to laugh about these idiots – I hope these quotes bring a smile to your faces.

Jon Stewart on Michael Steel, Bill O’Reilly, and Rush Limbaugh …

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay, but undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes, not to mention multiple oxymorons.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. That hypothetical quantity might normally be called ‘critical mass’ but, in this unique case it is known as ‘critical mess’.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am), another just-discovered element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

For further edification:

Further research revealed that Governmentium also occurs naturally alongside Capitalium, a lighter, but more numerous element. Capitalium is compromised of a cloud of entreprenions, which are attracted to a core of opportunium, which was made stable by emissions from Governmentium.

Over time, Capitalium produces emissions of money, some of which is absorbed by nearby Governmentium. Capitaliums will thus try to move as far away from Governmentium as possible. But most of this money is transmitted between other Capitaliums in what is know as the venture band. These oscillations of money produces economyetic radiation, which attracts more entreprenions, and stimulates peons, but also attracts greedions and slackhyons which have the temporary effect of increasing the flow of money in the venture band, while increasing their own energy.

However, as the flow in the venture band increases, the greedions and slachyons reach critical mass, and the flow of money becomes unstable and suddenly reduces dramatically. Capitaliums spontaneously split from their now depleted opportunium and evolve into Spend 0 particles, refusing to bond to any more opportunium. Any peons in the region become inert and may decay, or be absorbed by greedions and slackhyons, forming anti-entreprenions, which have the effect of destroying any opportunium they contact with.

The state will remain unstable for a time until the depleted Capitaliums begin to move closer to Governmentium. When this happens Governmentium undergoes a shift and emits bailout radiation, which has the effect of releasing vast amounts of stored money into the venture band and into Capitaliums. This restimulates the Capitaliums and they once again begin to emit economyetic radiation, and also move away from Governmentium.

Interestingly, Governmentium can be formed by either the fusion of peons, or the fusion of Capitaliums. However these two types of Governmentium have different spins, which manifests itself through their interactions with Medium, a type of Capitalium, which has the ability to pick up Governmentium and Capitalium spin, and then broadcast it to nearby peons.